Archive | October, 2012

“what do you want?”

27 Oct

“What do you want?”  Ive been asked that question numerous times in my life…by my parents, teachers, employers, friends and lovers.  Its a question i always evaded.  The reasons why, I’ve only begun to understand.

As a young girl, i don’t remember having dreams, goals for my life, or visions for my future. The world seemed so dull and colorless.  I was the first of six children raised in the most normal, least traumatic of ways, isolated from the world in a tiny town.  In that role i surmised it to be easier to “go with the flow.”  For there was always a younger, less reasonable personality that had needs surpassing my own.  The path of least resistance, just following along, voiceless, was simply easy, and i didn’t know any different.  I never realized it was okay to have a voice or an opinion.  As i grew older i reasoned that not making any waves was the best way to get through life.  i never thought to ask myself what it was i desired for myself, what would bring me joy or even contentment.  It seemed like too much trouble and it might just piss somebody off!  People get used to getting their own way.  Once the people in your life know you as the agreeable one, they apply a good amount of resistance to keep you right where you are.

  So most of my life, i struggled with the “darkness” that i mentioned in an earlier post, that closes in on you when you aren’t living your truth…only it was not until lately that i became aware of why it was there.  A few weeks ago, i was asked point blank by a new friend, “who are you?” and in a later conversation, ” what do you want?” It was just then that i began to entertain the notion that there may actually exist an answer to those questions.  Then, as i began to form my answers, i realized that the avoidance of my truth was what caused the depression that took too many of my days.  In searching for these answers, i’ve begun to find a comforting inner peace and joy i never imagined possible.

  Marianne Williamson said, “Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure…”

  I know that fear.  It keeps you from having everything you were meant to have.

   Guess what?

  I’m not afraid anymore.