awakened woman, be patient…

awakened woman, be patient….

nightfall

i dread the arrival of nightfall

the expectation of it all

deep, true, unavoidable love reaches for me as i

repel it

completely

with no effort whatsoever.

ego love

my ego screams in the face of love’s pure light.

“that is not enough!! i need more!!”

so love, being love, takes her in her arms like a belligerent child

and holds her

until she calms

love always wins.

dichotomy in me

….and it comes out of nowhere.

that hollow, heavy, cloudy, lack of everything feeling.  

it consumes me.  it shuts me down.

the bleakness encompasses my entire being.  makes me doubt.  makes me forget who i am.

i know, however, that this feeling wont last forever.  it never does.  though it threatens to.

but then, when i’ve almost surrendered, something magical happens.  

a spark

a beam

and then….

the light comes pouring back in.  and my heart and soul fill with it.

and i am grateful

and i am joyful

and i believe

and i remember

i’m so thankful for the relief.  the light.  

so thankful that i thank the dark.  

thank you empty, heavy, cloudy, lack of everything feeling

for without you, 

i wouldnt know the joy

of being blinded by love

A little Jen-spective

Time goes by, you learn, you grow. You realize…

One thing I realize lately is that silence is most often the best weapon in your arsenal when you find yourself in a disagreement about anything, important or otherwise.

  First of all….the people who would benefit most by the opening of their conditioned, under-exercised little minds to another point of view simply “can not handle the truth.”  Their lives just would not make the same comfortable kind of sense if they begin to comprehend a different perspective.  

 Secondly….. It turns out your example has so much more power than the words you use to explain yourself.  Words are powerful in their own right, but are often misconstrued and tend to take on different meanings altogether when passed through different filters.  Plus people become confused, frustrated and sometimes belligerent when you start talking over their heads.

 And third….the more life I live and the more I allow new perspectives to shape my experience, the less I care about your ability to understand me. If I have to work that hard, I’d rather just go hang out with someone  else…. Call me lazy!  Arguing is a waste of time and energy.

You can have your point.  And I’ll keep mine.

the same

if you see me today

you will fall in love with me

you will be mesmerized by my being

because today, i remember who i am

and i am here

for you to notice

so that you might remember also

you and i

we are the same

hello 2013

I’ve never been much of a New Years Resolution maker…partly because I consider myself a rebel of such traditions, partly because I just didnt want to work that hard!

2012 breezed in kind of unceremoniously, but has etched itself into the story of my life as a year of enormous change, rude awakenings and the most perfect moments.  I decided that, a year like this one has been, deserved to be ushered out a little more ceremoniously than it came in, to rebel against my status quo “rebelliousness” and make myself a list.  One of the things I have learned in 2012 is that dreams come true, but you gotta decide what it is you’re dreaming.  The universe does pretty well when left on her own, but throw a little intention in and watch the magic happen!

RESOLUTIONS FOR 2013

1. To start, this year I will believe in the impossible.  Because in 2012 I learned, that nothing is.

2. This year I intend to remember who I am, since i had forgotten for so long.

3. To dream bigger than the most gifted dreamers.

4. To define my life in my own terms.  It is mine, after all.

5. To write often.  It frees me.

6. To listen more.

7. To speak well thought out words and not waste my time or breath on anything less constructive than kind-hearted (but otherwise seemingly pointless) small talk.

8. To smell, the roses, the coffee, and everything in between.

9. To look at every situation as an opportunity for something amazing.

10. To give myself back to the world whole heartedly. To lift her up and make her better for letting me occupy space here.

11. (the perfect number of anything) To love everything.

Happy New Year (/Life)

love to everyone and everything ❤

Why You Have To Be Crazy to Win Big (Elite Daily)

Why You Have To Be Crazy to Win Big (Elite Daily).

“what do you want?”

“What do you want?”  Ive been asked that question numerous times in my life…by my parents, teachers, employers, friends and lovers.  Its a question i always evaded.  The reasons why, I’ve only begun to understand.

As a young girl, i don’t remember having dreams, goals for my life, or visions for my future. The world seemed so dull and colorless.  I was the first of six children raised in the most normal, least traumatic of ways, isolated from the world in a tiny town.  In that role i surmised it to be easier to “go with the flow.”  For there was always a younger, less reasonable personality that had needs surpassing my own.  The path of least resistance, just following along, voiceless, was simply easy, and i didn’t know any different.  I never realized it was okay to have a voice or an opinion.  As i grew older i reasoned that not making any waves was the best way to get through life.  i never thought to ask myself what it was i desired for myself, what would bring me joy or even contentment.  It seemed like too much trouble and it might just piss somebody off!  People get used to getting their own way.  Once the people in your life know you as the agreeable one, they apply a good amount of resistance to keep you right where you are.

  So most of my life, i struggled with the “darkness” that i mentioned in an earlier post, that closes in on you when you aren’t living your truth…only it was not until lately that i became aware of why it was there.  A few weeks ago, i was asked point blank by a new friend, “who are you?” and in a later conversation, ” what do you want?” It was just then that i began to entertain the notion that there may actually exist an answer to those questions.  Then, as i began to form my answers, i realized that the avoidance of my truth was what caused the depression that took too many of my days.  In searching for these answers, i’ve begun to find a comforting inner peace and joy i never imagined possible.

  Marianne Williamson said, “Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure…”

  I know that fear.  It keeps you from having everything you were meant to have.

   Guess what?

  I’m not afraid anymore.

birthdays

Birthdays are a fitting time, it seems, to reflect on a life.  Check in, see how you’re doing.  To ask yourself “is this the life i was created to have?”  Or “is there something else i can do?”

Looking back on 44 years (woah!  Where has the time gone?) I see a life filled with its share of ups and downs.  Blessings like an amazing family and friends, “curses” like the depression that has lingered in the backdrop of my life, occasionally rising to the forefront and seemingly deterring my plans for carefree happiness.  I am extra grateful for the people who have loved me during the times when i could not love myself.   They were the buoys that kept me from drowning in the depths of a sadness that never really had a rhyme or reason.

Never did i imagine that I’d ever actually be able to be grateful for the depression itself, but recently I’ve been enlightened to the fact that my melancholy has been the catalyst for a journey to peace and joy that surely I’d have not travelled willingly without.

The endless searching…Therapy, books (and more books), medication; and more recently more books 🙂 and MEDITATION have brought me to a higher plane.  A place where i can look down and appreciate the darkness.  For without it, i’d not know the brilliance of the light that surrounds every moment of my life at present.

So as i turn 44 in just under an hour, I thank you family, thank you friends, thank you darkness.  I am grateful for you and this life, far from over and full of promise!

Happy birthday to me.